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Not This Time

A middle-aged couple with two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

 The wife became pregnant, and delivered a baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly baby.

 "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child," he said to his wife. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." When his wife blushed, he became suspicious.

 "Have you been fooling around on me?" he demanded. His wife confessed: "Not this time."

Sayeed
Huntington Beach, California, USA

Teacher & a little boy 

Independence Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."  

Sayeed
Huntington Beach, California, USA

A Quick 500 

A woman sat next to a man, who asked, "If you ask me something I can't answer, I will give you Tk. 500. If I ask you a question you can't answer then you give me Tk.100." 

So the woman thought for a while, then asked, "Okay, what can run downhill but can't go uphill?" 

The man thought long and hard, but couldn't answer. "I give up," he said. "Here is your Tk 500 .  So what's the answer?" 

The woman then gave the man Tk. 100 and said to him "I also don't know the answer".

Sayeed
Huntington Beach, California, USA

Teacher & Student

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?

Another Teacher & Student Joke

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Call a friend

A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
The husband asks for sex.  > > The wife says, "No." 
Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
She responds, "Yes."
He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."

Yousuf
New York, USA

Only In America

 6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our  useless junk in the garage.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in  Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning" bloodsucking creatures."

Tasreen
New Mexico, USA

Doctor 

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Mr. S. Salam
Dhaka, Bangladesh

Attorney

A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.

The attorney replies, "Sure — as soon as the police leave."

Mr. S. Salam
Dhaka, Bangladesh

Handwriting

The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?" The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."

Mr. S. Salam
Dhaka, Bangladesh

Messed Up Days

A blonde walks into an elevator and says to the guy in there, "T-G-I-F".   He says, "no S-H-I-T".   She says, "no T-G-I-F". He says, no "S-H-I-T".   She says, "no" with a big smile on her face, "T-G-I-F".   He says, "no" with a big smile on his face, "S-H-I-T".

She says, "no, T-G-I-F, Thank God It's Friday".
He says, "no, S-H-I-T, Sorry Hon It's Thursday"

Shopon
Dhaka, Bangladesh

B.ED

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as: "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

Anwarul Kabir (Tanjeeb)
Software Developer B.Sc.Engg.(CSE)
EHP Informatik - Germany Bonn

Fingers

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

Sumi
Los Angeles, Ca

Four men's Dog     

     Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.  

     To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.   Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.  

     The Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. 

     The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

     Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"  The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a dump on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. 

Rubin
Dhaka, Bangladesh

Bank President & a Little Lady

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"  After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.   She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"  The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets?  What kind of bets?"  The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"  The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"  "Sure," said the president, "I'll  bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a  lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a! ; long time in front of a mirror checkin g his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president  agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. 

The little old lady peered  closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."  Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.  The president asked the old lady, What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?">  She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 ! that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.

Shabbir S.
Costa Mesa, Ca, USA

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