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Humor In Human - Page 4

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Dog and Vets office

A man walks into the vets office, carrying his dog in his arms. He lays the dog on the table, and the vet asks what is wrong. The man says that his dog just lays around, won't eat, and, doesn't play or bark anymore. The vet told him to stay right there, with his dog, that he would be right back.

When he came back into the room, he was carrying this big cat. He placed the cat on the table with the dog, and the cat walked all around the dog - twice. Then the vet took the cat out and when he returned, he told the man that his dog is dead.

"What?" said the man. "How can that be?" The vet said, "Well, sometimes things just happen and we don't know why." The vet asked him if he can take care of the remains or does he want them to. "Well, the dog is too big for me to bury, so you'll have to do it for me," said the man.

The man walked out to the reception desk and asked the girl how much he owes them. She said "$350.00." "What?!", exclaimed the man. "Why so much?" The girl answered, "Well, it is $50.00 for the office visit and $300.00 for the cat scan."

THE PRIEST & NUN GOLF GAME

A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language.

At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed." "Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better.

At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed."

Old Man & Doctor

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. "BAM" The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver." "Exactly." said the doctor.

Intercom Paging

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance".

"Police & Radar Trap

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

The Blonde

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,"You are on the other side."

Another Blonde Joke

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York. Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem.

The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and soreturns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section.

The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

Construction Worker

Three construction workers are on top of a building, complaining that their wife's always make them the same sandwiches.

The first one says "If I've got another peanut butter sandwich, I'm gonna jump off this building." He looks and it is peanut butter, so he jumps of the building and dies.

The second one says "If I've got another turkey sandwich, I'm gonna jump off this building." He looks and it is turkey, so he jumps of the building and dies.

The third one says "If I've got another steak sandwich, I'm gonna jump off this building." He looks and it is steak, so he jumps of the building and dies.

The next day the 3 wives of the men are in court, and are being questioned about the deaths. The first lady says "*sob* if only *sniff* he told me *whine* he wanted something new *sniff* I would have changed it." The second lady says "*sob* if only *sniff* he told me *whine* he wanted something new *sniff* I would have changed it."

The third lady says "It's not my fault he makes his own lunch"

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