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		April 3, 2001

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After Dinner Mild Spice

October-21-2001

Ant joke

We all know how much ants love sugar. One day, a huge
amount of sugar was piled up in front of the houses of
some ants. Every ant rushed towards it except for one.

Question: How can an ant resist sugar?

Amswer: He had diabetes.

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Teacher joke

A teacher asks one of his pupils to tell him a sentence with the word
"OFFICIATE".
Pupil: A man died because officiate("of a fish he ate")

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Advice From Children

1. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.

3. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone

4. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.

5. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

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Advice From Children

1. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

2. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

3. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

4. Never trust a dog to watch your food.

5. Never pee on an electric fence.

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12-07-2000

Life is Like.....

Life is like an onion. it is made up of many, many, many very complex and intricate layers.... ...and they all stink.

life is a b*t*h......... ...
then you marry one.

life is like a comms. skills lecture... ...boring and fewkin useless

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Life is Like.....more..

life is like a pencil... ...the sharper you get the shorter it becomes.

life is like a VMS machine ..... ...when you're up its down, and when its up you're down.

life is like Milton Keynes.. ...Gettin' in is easy but just try understanding it.

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11-07-2000

Lawyer Joke

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

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Lawyer Joke

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

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11- 02 - 2000

Idiots - Car Insurance Claim

1) The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.

2) The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.

3) I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed

4) My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

5) The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.

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Idiots - Car Insurance Claim

1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

3) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

4) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian

6) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him

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10-25-2000

Doctor Joke

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

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Another Doctor Joke

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doc said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

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10-17-2000

Blonde Joke

There is a blond driving through the country. She has just died her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of.

She is really hungry. She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!" The farmer looks around puzzledly and says "Ok. Take one."

When the Blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"!

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Blonde Again

A dumb blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones. The barber said "i cant cut you're if you're wearing headphones." The blonde said "I HAVE to wear them,though! Then stormed out.
This happened twice until the barber just jerked off the headpones. Then he remembered his lucky scissors in the other room.

When he came back in the blonde was dead.

He picked up the phones to hear what was playing. He heard:"Breath in, breath out.breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.

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ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Ideas for messages on your voice mail.......Actual Answering Machine Messages

* My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

* A is for academics B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

* Hi. This is Rafiq: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

* Hi. Now you say something.

* Hello. I am Sumi's answering machine. What are you?

* Hi! Shafiq's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

* Hello, this is Sara's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

* Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

* Hi, this is Islam. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you're a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

* Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Blonde Again

A dumb blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones. The barber said "i cant cut you're if you're wearing headphones." The blonde said "I HAVE to wear them,though! Then stormed out.
This happened twice until the barber just jerked off the headpones. Then he remembered his lucky scissors in the other room.

When he came back in the blonde was dead.

He picked up the phones to hear what was playing. He heard:"Breath in, breath out.breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.

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